Until then, I want to share a short message with you. It involves a conversation I had with a friend this week. Our conversation was enlightening for both of us. It is about moving on, which is a topic we all can relate to. I hope you enjoy it.

Dear Friend,

I was sitting in my office this week when my phone buzzed. I got a message from an old friend who wanted some advice. She knew I had an advice column and she was wondering if I had insight on a situation she was going through. I said,

“Of course. What do you need help with?”

She was hurt and she wanted to know the best way to move on. She had recently broken up with someone and she was regretting having ever gotten into the relationship in the first place. She asked me,

“How do you move on without wanting to erase the past?”

As I sat in my chair, I started to think. I looked out my office window and I started to reminiscence about my own past. There are certainly moments I also regret — things I wish I could take back. However, I have learned that wanting to change the past does us no good. What has happened has happened. There is no going back nor should we want to. Our past shapes us. It turns us into wiser and stronger people than we were before. Our only ‘real’ choice is to move forward as best we can. Our only ‘real’ choice is to make something beautiful with what is left.

After thinking about her question, I responded and said,

“I am not sure there is a best way to move on. The best path is different for each of us. However, in my own life, I have found a lot of strength in remembering that there is a lesson behind everything.

Maybe this relationship was meant to teach you something about yourself. Maybe it was meant to teach you what you want and do not want. Maybe your heart needed to break so you could learn this lesson.

When I was in college, I went through a bad break-up too. I thought everything was great until one day I got a phone call and everything changed. I remember sitting in my dorm room afterwards with an empty feeling in my heart. When my roommate came home, he noticed something was wrong. I told him what had happened. He then put his hand on my shoulder and told me something his older brother had told him. He told me, ‘The next one is almost always better.’ For some reason, those words struck a chord with me and I have held them close to my heart ever since.

Sometimes things fall apart so better things can be born. Maybe — at this very moment — someone is writing something new in the ashes of your life.

Moving on is never easy. It might even be the hardest thing we ever do. However, no matter what happens, we must never forget that the sun will rise again. It always does.”

I wanted to share this story with you because I think a lot of us can relate to it, whether or not we are going through a break-up. The same principles apply in all aspects of our lives.

Sometimes we will make mistakes. Sometimes things will fall apart in ways we never expected. Sometimes we will lose people we thought would be ours forever. The pain might be too much right now, but eventually, our hearts will open again. They always do.

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Dear Andrew,

I know there is meaning behind every struggle, so long as we are willing to look for it, but how do I motivate myself to discover that meaning? How do I find my ‘why’ without wanting to ‘get out’ of my current situation?

- Alryk

Dear Alryk,

Often, when bad things happen, we wish for things to be different. We pray for our struggles and pains to disappear. However, we cannot undo life. What has happened has happened. Nothing can be done about the past. However, to a certain degree, we do have control over the present and future. We have the choice to make the most with what we have.

To discover the meaning in our lives, we must first realize that the potential for something greater is here. We must believe something good can be made with what is left. This belief will give us the fuel and motivation we need to find the meaning behind our pain.

Once we realize that everything — even suffering — is an opportunity for something greater, what do we do next? How do we find meaning in the rubble left behind? Everyone’s purpose is different. I cannot tell you what your exact path should be. Only you know what can be made from the ashes of your life. What I can tell you is that, in some way, the meaning of all our lives is to leave the world better than we found it. It is to use our gifts to make life more beautiful, both for ourselves and for others.

For some people, they find purpose through their work. For others, purpose is found through their relationships or maybe through raising and teaching future generations. A true purpose is both self-nurturing and generous. It is both an act of receiving and giving. It lights our fire and it also sparks the flames in others. Therefore, when looking for our purpose, the goal is to find something we are both passionate about and that also brings value and light to the lives of others.

To discover a beautiful path, we need to travel down some of the wrong ones first. Realizing what is not for us is just as valuable as learning what is. This is the first step towards finding the people and places that are meant for us. For example, let us look at one of the most successful companies of our time: Apple.

When Steve Jobs returned to Apple in 1997, the company was 90 days away from bankruptcy. They had multiple failing products and their future looked bleak. After a few weeks of being back, Jobs called a company meeting and explained to his team they would be getting rid of all their products except four. To explain his point, Jobs grabbed a magic marker and drew a two-by-two grid on a white board. On the two columns, he wrote “Consumer” and “Pro.” On the two rows, he wrote “Desktop” and “Portable.” His employees were shocked at first, they could not believe he was letting go of so many of their products; products they had worked extremely hard on up until that point. However, by getting Apple to focus on just four products, the company was saved. Their sales started to climb and they would later become the most valuable company in the world. When reminiscing about this pivotal move for the company, Jobs later said,

“Deciding what not to do is just as important as deciding what to do.”

To find Apple’s four core products, the company needed to experience some failures first, which they did. Once they saw their failings with clear eyes, they let go of what was no longer working and they focused on what was. Like Apple, we must do the same. We need to give ourselves permission to explore and experiment, and when the time is right, we need to be brave enough to let go of our failings. We need to find the courage to follow our true path once it reveals itself.

In my own life, I have experienced many failures — failures that were not necessarily external, but more internal. Before becoming a writer and content creator, I used to be a corporate finance attorney at a large law firm in Manhattan. In law school, I was deeply fascinated with the law, but in practice, the profession felt cold. The truly heart-wrenching aspect of being an attorney was the way my work was measured.

Typically, attorneys at large law firms have hourly quotas they need to meet every month. It does not necessarily matter what you work on, or sometimes even how well you do it, so long as you work long enough. In my opinion, this concept of work was emotionally draining. It destroyed my curiosity as an attorney because the only goal was to bill more hours. When partners or senior associates would congratulate me on my work, it was almost never on the substance of it — it was usually on how many hours I was working.

One week in particular comes to mind. One of our clients, who was a CEO at a large public company, had come to us with a last minute financing transaction that he needed to get done. His company’s quarterly earnings were coming out at the end of the week and he needed this transaction completed before then.

This was already a busy week for us at the firm and our team was short-staffed. Nonetheless, the partner I worked for eagerly accepted. One of the unwritten rules of a large law firm is that you rarely say no to a client, especially when a client wants to hire you for more work.

Two other associates and I were assigned to the case. Most of our work involved due diligence, which basically meant we had to review a lot of documents to make sure they said what they were suppose to say. We also had to compile a few new documents to finalize the transaction. The only problem was that the parties had not finalized the terms of the deal yet, they were still ‘negotiating.’ Therefore, we had to wait around until those terms came in. Once the terms arrived, we would edit the documents and send them to the client. Unfortunately, the negotiating parties were indecisive and they changed their minds constantly, which started the process all over again.

Basically, our entire week consisted of document review, editing and waiting around. In the end, we gave the client a green light on the deal and sent him the final documents he needed. I remember quite vividly that I billed about 90 hours of work on that deal alone. I remember this because the partner I was working for complimented me on my hours. He told me I did a great job and to keep it up.

The reason I am telling this story is because, surprisingly, the amount of hours I worked did not actually bother me. What bothered me was what I worked on. I spent 90 hours and felt like I had nothing to show for it. We produced one small document for the client, which basically involved editing the names and terms of a basic form. In addition, we found nothing out of the ordinary during our document review. I felt like there was no need for the review. The world would have been no different either way. This was not an isolated incident either. Most of the work that I did as an attorney was eerily similar.

As a caveat, this does not apply to all the legal work I did or that other attorneys do. There were certainly some meaningful projects that I worked on as an attorney. I also know of other attorneys who spend most of their time doing meaningful things. However, on the whole, I did not feel this way. The way my work was structured — the fact that it was almost solely based on how long I worked instead of how good my work was — crushed my spirit. It felt like rocks were being thrown at the birds in my heart; it felt like someone was yelling at them to stop their incessant singing.

Deep down, I had a feeling being a lawyer was not for me from the moment I started working. I remember feeling out of place when I walked into the large, marble tiled waiting room on my first day. After taking pictures for my identification card, I remember looking at the card and thinking how funny I looked wearing a tie — I never liked ties. Even though I had a sense this was not the right path for me, I was hesitant to move on. I wanted to make sure I was not making a mistake. Eventually, I realized you never really know what is a mistake and what is not until you take the next step. The only thing that can guide you is that feeling in your heart — the one that pulls you this way and that way.

Once I realized all of this, I told my best friend at the time, who was an attorney at a different law firm, I was planning on quitting. The look on his face was one of complete shock. I had never seen his eyes larger in my life, they were almost bulging out of his eye socket. He told me I probably had a bad week and would feel different in a few days. He grabbed me lightly by the shoulder, almost in a sobering way, and told me if I was serious that I should give myself time to think things over. He reminded me that if I left “big law,” I would not be able to come back. Large Manhattan law firms, or “big law” as attorneys call them, are like high school cliques — they never want you to leave and if you do leave, you are usually never welcomed back.

I knew all of this, but hearing my friend say it made the situation even more real. At that moment, I felt like the world had been put on pause. It was almost like the entire city of New York was standing still. I started to imagine I was standing on top of a skyscraper. I imagined I was looking down at a bird’s eye view of my future. The possibilities for what I could one day become started to flash before me. When I was in law school, I envisioned becoming a venture capital attorney. Atop that skyscraper, that vision started to fade away. I realized that story was maybe never meant to be told.

Sometimes we know the decisions we need to make but we are scared to make them. Sometimes we are afraid to give up the accomplishments we have accumulated, accomplishments we worked so hard for. Sometimes we are deeply hesitant to let go of the people and things we thought would be ours forever. Surprisingly, this is the way it is suppose to be. Life is precious, and being reluctant to move on means we realize this. We realize this might be the last time a certain tide comes our way.

Real maturity is when we no longer feel imprisoned by the preciousness of life. It is when we no longer stay just because we are afraid of never being allowed back. It is when we make decisions from a place of bravery, instead of fear. Being mature does not mean we are not scared — it means we are scared, but despite it all, we have decided to live.

We will never know when it is the right time to let go or to hold on. Our only guiding light is the heart. A courageous life is measured by our willingness to follow our hearts. It is measured by our understanding that what is meant to be will be, so long as we have the courage to make it be.

Sometimes our hearts are going to lead us to painful places. Sometimes we are going to question our heart’s reasoning — we are going to wonder whether our heart was right. However, as the famous French scientist and philosopher Blaise Pascal once said,

“The heart has reasons that reason does not know.”

I like to add the word ‘yet’ to the end of Pascal’s quote. I like to say that, “The heart has reasons that reason does not know (yet).” Like in a good book, the meaning becomes clearer the more chapters we read. As time goes on, we start to realize more and more the reasons our hearts feel a certain way. One day we will see with clear eyes that certain things were meant to happen. We will realize that every experience was leading us somewhere — somewhere more beautiful than we could ever imagine. Our only job is to gather the courage needed to follow that path; we need to find the confidence buried in all of us to make our destiny a reality.

We are all destined to find the meaning behind our lives. We are destined to meet certain people and to visit certain places. However, whether we discover our destiny is our choice. I like to imagine that one day, when our story is over, we will be shown a picture of the beautiful people we were meant to become. We will be shown a picture of the potential we had all along. The point of life is to become twins or best friends with these people — it is for us and them to become one and the same.

To be continued…

Part II of this newsletter will be shared next Sunday. In it, I will share how I found meaning in my life after leaving law and advice on how you can too. Stay tuned, my friend! — AA

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Dear Andrew,

How do you pick yourself up after your world comes crashing down? How do you move forward again?

Love, Emily

Dear Emily,

Sometimes the world is going to throw slings and arrows our way. Sometimes our lives will change in the blink of an eye. And other times our hearts will shatter into more pieces than we ever thought possible.

We cannot control what will happen, the future is going to surprise us in both painful and beautiful ways. The only thing we can control is how we react to what happens. We can either become bitter or we can find meaning in our struggles. Deep in our hearts, we know every battle is an opportunity — it is an opportunity to hold our heads high for all the world to see, regardless of whether people laugh or cheer. It is an opportunity to become larger and more courageous than we ever were before.

A person who finds meaning in their life will move mountains. They see every encounter as an opportunity to grow, and in turn, they will grow. They will grow into someone stronger than they ever thought possible. As the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said,

“Those who have a ‘why’, can bear almost any ‘how’.

There can be a purpose for everything, even pain, if we look for it. Maybe our hearts got broken because we are meant to find someone or something else. Maybe we got fired because another vocation is calling us. Maybe there was no prior reason for something happening, but we can make one after the fact. Every setback can change us for the better; it can turn us into someone we never would have become otherwise. If we look at our lives in this way — if we look at every struggle as a chance to do something greater — we will walk farther than we ever imagined.

I remember getting a phone call from my mom a few months ago. It was one of those phone calls where your life is never the same afterwards, where your world is forever changed.

When I hung up the phone, my vision was blurry. I remember being in a state of shock. I could not believe what I heard. I felt like I was dreaming. I remember my mom being in tears. We had no idea how we were going to handle the situation we were now confronted with. At first, we were not sure we could handle it. We wanted to blame someone or something, but we had no idea where to point the finger. Sometimes things just happen.

After the call, I went into my room and laid on my bed. As I laid there, my mind started to race. I was trying to make sense of things. I wanted to find a reason for what was happening. I wanted answers.

I thought maybe what was happening was meant to bring my family together. Some of us had grown apart the past year. Maybe we needed to find our roots again. On the other hand, I thought maybe life is just random. Maybe this was never meant to take place. Maybe things just happen that you can never prepare for sometimes. Maybe all you can do is take responsibility for what you are given and make the most of it. Maybe this is what life is.

While I was processing everything, I got a phone call from one of my friends. This is a friend I chat with often. We usually call each other once a week to catch up. When he called, I was hesitant to tell him what had just happened. I did not know if I should tell him.

Before I could make a decision, my friend told me about some good news. He had just gotten a promotion at work. He was nervous about the additional responsibility but he was excited, nonetheless. You could hear the joy in his crackling voice — a kind of joy that is rarely experienced, the kind you would never want to take away from someone. I put the news I had just received from my mom aside and I tried to share in my friend’s joy, at least for a moment. I pulled my shoulders back and congratulated him. I could not see him over the phone, but I knew he was smiling and that made me smile too.

I decided I would not tell my friend, at least for now. He was in good spirits and I did not want to bring him down. Getting a promotion is a rare experience and I wanted him to savor those good feelings for as long as he could. Who knows how many more job promotions he will get in his life? Moments like that are precious.

After we hung up, I sat on my bed and stared out the window. I live in Southern California, where the weather is usually 70 degrees Fahrenheit and sunny. That day the weather was overcast. I remember it being the first sunless day in over a month. There were dark clouds hovering over the trees outside my window. It looked like the sky wanted to cry. It never rained that day but it felt like it was pouring.

The weather outside was not helping my mood so I took out my phone and scrolled through Instagram. Smiling faces filled my screen and I wondered how many of them were experiencing something earth shattering too. You never know what is hidden behind people’s curtains. We all have scars that the rest of us know nothing about. Scars never go away, but they make us who we are. They remind us of where we have been. They show us that we have healed before and we will heal again.

I felt lonely sitting in my room so I put my phone down and walked into my living room. I have two dogs and they jumped with excitement when they saw me. Their tongues and tails were wagging in the air. I think they noticed something was wrong because they immediately calmed down and stood next to me. It was like they were reminding me that they were there for me — they were reminding me that I was not alone.

I kneeled down to give my dogs a hug and I thought to myself, “We have no idea how long we have. We have no idea how long we are going to walk on this road with each other.” Suddenly, the left side of my chest started to feel hollow as my eyes watered. At that moment, I made a promise to cherish every moment. I made a promise to never let life pass me by.

The situation with my family is ongoing. I talk to my mom about it often. She is still worried. She feels helpless sometimes and I think this is natural. I often remind her all we can do is make the most with what we have. We cannot hide our pain but we cannot let it consume us either. We have to use this chapter in our lives to create something beautiful. We have to remember that the rain is what gives us love for the sun. Even if the clouds outside seem endless, we have to at least try to make something out of them. We have to try to find that bright sun in the sky. We owe ourselves that.

When our world comes crashing down, our initial reaction is to retreat. We want to find a safe space away from the danger. However, once we find shelter, we must use that shelter to grow. We must use it as a means to come back stronger. While we cannot choose our fate, we can always choose how we respond to it. We can either turn our situations into a burden or a blessing.

Finding a ‘why’ for our pain does not get rid of the hurt, but it helps us plant seeds for better days. It gives us the confidence to keep going. Maybe having confidence in certain situations is naive, but I will take it. This frame of mind is the only way I know how to persevere in spite of suffering. It has helped me avoid falling into despair.

Some people believe there is a predestined plan for all of us. Others believe there is no hand guiding us, everything is random and we make our own destinies. There is a semblance of truth in both views. When we look back on our lives, we know that certain things were meant to happen — just ask any parent about their child. However, missing certain tides is also possible. Our journey is like a wave and we can either ride the wave or let it pass away.

Whether we seize the opportunities given to us is our decision. Life is a marriage between choice and fate. It is a dance between our freedom and our destiny. The Greek philosopher Democritus once said,

“Everything existing in the Universe is the fruit of chance and of necessity.”

How we face our destiny is up to us. The way we confront our fate changes our fate. The same outcome creates two different worlds depending on whether we hold our heads high or not. The person who accepts the hands they have been dealt and finds meaning in them will find a light in the sky. The person who rejects their life will only see a storm.

Just like a movie, the meaning of our lives will become clear at the end. Our responsibility is to create and nurture that meaning before our story is finished. We have the power to turn our world into something better than it was and it is our choice whether we realize that potential.

The first step to finding meaning in our lives is to acknowledge that the potential for something greater is here. When we view every experience as an opportunity, our eyes naturally open. Things we never knew become clear to us. Almost like a reflex, the light in the sky we were hoping to find starts to shine. It tiptoes through our windows and wakes us up like a warm and gentle friend, reminding us they never left our side.

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Dear Andrew,

What do I do when I feel my friends are not as true as I thought they were? They make plans without me and when we talk it does not feel the same. I am afraid we might be growing apart. 

Love, Laura

Dear Laura,

Growing apart from people and things is inevitable as we grow ourselves. While some people will be by our side a lifetime, others are only meant to be with us temporarily. Sometimes we have no say in which category a relationship falls under. If someone decides to leave, we cannot force them to stay. We cannot turn a relationship, or anything for that matter, back into what it no longer wants to be. 

When relationships fade, our only ‘real’ choice is to keep going. We must keep living and keep trying. We must keep our hearts open to the serendipity that has yet to fall our way. There is still so much for us to discover. The ending of one chapter is always the start of another. 

In my own life, I have had to grapple with the disappointment of growing apart from friends, sometimes even best friends. Before starting Pool House, I was a lawyer and I quit to start the journey I am now on. I had an unshakeable feeling I was meant to do something else. However, this transition was not easy and it meant I had to change a lot of things, both personally and professionally. I realized I was no longer the person I used to be. I realized I enjoyed waking up early to read and to watch the sunrise, instead of spending nights going out to bars and parties. I realized I fundamentally wanted something different from my life; something I had been neglecting for too long. 

Understandably, this meant I was going to have to turn down certain invitations. Eventually, I no longer had to turn anything down. The invitations slowly stopped coming. No longer being invited hurt; it made me realize that some of the people I held dear were drifting away. 

If we are living our lives genuinely and wholeheartedly, we will inevitably grow apart from people and things we once held close. These are called growing pains. To become the people we are destined to be, we must accept the transitory nature of our lives. We must accept that not everyone or everything will stay. By accepting impermanence, we give ourselves room to blossom. We give ourselves the opportunity to shed our cocoons for a life that is larger and more lovely than before. 

Often, the first step of growth is lonely. When we shed our old skin, we expose ourselves to a new and unfamiliar world. Usually, we are alone when entering this new world and this can make us feel alienated. We may feel like we have been abandoned by the people we love, or loved, and we may question the path we are on. At this stage, we must give ourselves permission to re-imagine our lives. We must set aside the false fear that we will forever be alone and we must remember that this an opportunity to reshape our lives in a more authentic way. It is an opportunity to stop telling the same old story so we can write a new one; a story where we seize the next tide that comes our way. 

Growth can be heartbreaking, especially when it involves saying goodbye to people and things we love. There is no real way to get around this pain. We have to let ourselves feel whatever arises. Unless we do, we may never open our hearts again. 

To have a beautiful life, we must keep our hearts beating. This means we must let our hearts break when they get hurt. If we turn off our hearts or try to overly shield them from future pain, there is a risk they will never beat again. There is a risk we will start to prefer a life with less discomfort. But to avoid disappointment and heartbreak is to avoid life itself; it is to shelter ourselves from all of the people and things that make this life worth living. Disappointment and heartbreak are simply signs that we were genuine in our pursuit of life; they mean we cared, and still do. 

The realization we are moving on from a chapter of our lives can be frightening. It can be painful leaving the home we have known and are comfortable with for another. The only solace on this lonely yet worthwhile road is remembering we still have so much ahead. There are still beautiful people we have yet to meet and marvelous place we have yet to explore. To encounter these people and to discover these places, we must let go of who and what is already gone. We must let go of the people and things we were always destined to say goodbye to. We must let go so we can make room for someone new inside of us; someone who is already here and who is looking for us too. 

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Dear Andrew,

How do I find my identity in a world that expects so much from me? The quest for perfection seems never ending.

With so much love, Grace

Dear Grace,

When we look for ourselves, the aim is not to find a single identity, even if the world is asking for one. Finding ourselves is about embracing the mystery that is us; the mystery between who we are and who we are about to become. The human identity is like a vast and endless ocean that is constantly moving and changing. Everyday we are on the verge of transforming into someone we have never been before.

If we are lucky, we will discover something new about ourselves each day. Maybe we will discover something we never knew was here. Or maybe we will discover something that has just arrived; something that was not here before. Part of what makes life exciting is the pursuit of the unknown; an unknown that will take us to unimaginable places one day.

Often, we believe our ‘true selves’ have all the answers. However, our ‘true selves’ are not all-knowing. An honest existence is about humbling ourselves like eager students; students who are endlessly learning. Like the universe, we are vast and limitless on the inside. We can feel it in our hearts that for everything we discover there is something else we have yet to discover.

We are more than a single moment. We are a marriage between the past, present and future. The past makes our lives colorful and vivid while the present is what gives us life. The future is like a glimmer of hope that inspires us to become larger and more generous than we ever were. To better understand ourselves, we must pay attention to all that is us. We must pay attention to who we have been, who we now are and who we are about to become.

Finding our identity is like meeting a ghost; they are here but also gone. They leave us as soon as they arrive because we are forever changing. We are forever blossoming into people we have no names for yet. To have a genuine relationship with the person we call “I,” we must accept the transitory nature of our identity. We must understand that whoever we discover is about to disappear and re-emerge.

Self-understanding is much like self-love. To understand ourselves, we must first open our hearts. We must open our hearts to the people we see in the mirror every morning. We must greet them with an open and curious mind. We must welcome them like we would a familiar friend; a friend that is always with us even when they are not.

Meeting our true selves happens when we relinquish our preconceived notions. It happens when we surrender the expectation that we need to sound or look a certain way. This means we need to forget ourselves. We need to forget the identities in our heads. The labels we made are too small for who we really are. We are greater than any identity we can articulate or think of and we are on the cusp of becoming so much more. We are on the cusp of becoming someone beautiful and new; someone we did not know we were looking for.

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Dear Andrew,

How do I start loving myself again after a breakup? I feel like I was relying on him, relying on him to prove to myself that I was lovable. It seems like I lost a huge part of myself now.

Much love, Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Learning to love oneself is a lifelong journey. Sometimes we question whether we are worthy of love. Sometimes we think less of ourselves because of our shortcomings or mistakes. Because of this, maybe we have relied on outside feedback or the love of others to prove us wrong. However, to truly find peace within ourselves, we must go deeper.

When we have strayed away from love, the first way back is usually through forgiveness. Love is the understanding that we are all people and we are all subject to mistakes. Making mistakes does not mean we are not worthy.

If a friend of ours made a mistake, would we think less of them? Probably, not. We would forgive them. We would remind them that one mistake, or a few, does not define them. We would see past their shortcomings. We would help them make something new from the ashes of their life. When talking to ourselves, we must do the same. We must treat ourselves the way we would a friend. Friendship is the foundation for every relationship, including the one we have with ourselves.

To be a real friend, we must also foster acceptance. We do not change our friends; instead, we try to embolden the people they already are. We see past their failures and we are witness to the beauty already within them. We try to encourage the best parts of them, even when they cannot see these parts themselves.

When we are young, we often want to ‘fix’ ourselves. Maybe we wanted to be taller, smarter or better looking. Maybe we still want these things. However, as we mature, we must accept the cards we have been dealt. We must be comfortable with the fact that some things will forever be. This is our only ‘real’ choice as we mature. Our only ‘real’ choice is to embrace the unchangeable and to live our lives wholeheartedly, despite it all. It is to walk into the crowd with our heads held high, whether they laugh or cheer.

Often, acceptance looks like a surrender. It requires that we submit to the people we are inside. We must give them the shirts on our backs and the shoes on our feet to better equip them for the journey they are about to embark on. We must give them our permission and blessing as they grow into the people they are destined to become. Through relinquishing control, our eyes can finally open; we can witness first-hand all of the beauty life has to offer, both inside and outside of us.

A person truly at peace with themselves does not necessarily think about themselves. Most of the time, a person at peace is focused on things other than themselves. They are noticing the birds chirping outside and how this sound reminds them of hope. They are noticing the way the sun sets and how the rain falls; they are noticing how both are equally beautiful. This is what happens when love is able to flourish; we are able to pay attention to all of the wonder and magic around us, instead of being fixated on who we are and who we are not.

All in all, loving oneself is a muscle that needs to be trained. It is something we will need to work on until our final days. The best way to practice self-love is to cultivate a friendship with oneself. This means we must forgive ourselves because no friendship can survive without it. We must also understand that our shortcomings do not define us and that we will make and do marvelous things, despite the constraints we have been dealt.

Finally, we must relinquish the identities we have been struggling to maintain so we can create a self that is larger and more generous than before. We must create a self who can forget themselves in the moment. A self who can open their hearts and eyes as they experience all the love and wonder this world has to offer. This is how all love is made; it is made by walking up the mountain we call life yet again, but this time, with our heads and hands held high for all the world to see.

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Questions for Andrew?

If you want to ask me something, feel free to respond to this email or any others from me, or you can also ask me via Instagram.

Remember sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes the most important thing is simply being curious enough to ask the question.

Links

To listen to new and previous podcast episodes, click here.

For a copy of my poetry book, click here.

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Dear Andrew,

Can you talk about facing your fears? I am graduating high school in a few days and, while I am excited for my next chapter, I am also scared.

Thank you, Rami

Dear Rami,

Congratulations on your graduation. No matter what happens, remember you have so much ahead of you. Life only gets better from here.

Starting something new is almost always scary. Being scared means we care. Usually, we are afraid we will be unprepared for what is to come. New beginnings usually involve saying goodbye to something else; something we have grown accustomed to. We have to leave a familiar place for one we have little knowledge of. Maybe we have no idea what place we are even going to next. Maybe all we know is we are leaving this one for another. 

To combat the fear of starting over, we must start with self-forgiveness. We must forgive ourselves for how little we know. We must give ourselves permission to begin again even if we are unaware of what is in store.

Luckily, we have moved on and started anew countless times before. We left the safety of our mother’s womb when we were born. We left the comfort of our home on our first day of school. Maybe we have even said goodbye to someone or something we have loved or still love. We are creatures made for change. We are made to explore new horizons and we are fully equipped to do so. 

Before we take off in a new direction, we first need to ground ourselves. We have to rediscover who we are. Likely, we have become someone new since we last began. The person who begins something is rarely the same person who finishes it. To meet this new person, we must center ourselves. We must find that true soul buried deep inside; the one we have been neglecting. 

The new ‘us’ is usually lighter and more nimble. They have less baggage than the people we used to be. They have peeled back the unnecessary layers. They have let go of the parts of themselves that have nothing left to offer. This internal simplification is sometimes frightening. Often, we want our story to be more complicated or longer than it needs to be. We do this because we are reluctant to move on. We convince ourselves that the next step is too far when, in fact, it is much closer than we think. The next step is closer than close. It starts inside of us, not in front of us; it starts in that place we never learned of but always knew. 

No matter what a person does and no matter where they go, the richness of their life will be measured by their willingness to begin again. It will be measured by their ability to let go of what no longer serves them and to see what else is possible in this beautiful world. 

This sounds frightening, I know. Beginning again is like taking a step on a mountain top we are not sure can support our weight. It is like venturing out into a brave new world; a world that may break our hearts and that may also show us our hearts are bigger than we ever knew. However, we must venture out. We must put down the second hand knowledge we have acquired. We must walk out from our safe homes into the glistening sun and observe the world for ourselves.

The only choice we have is how we take the next step. We can be reluctant or we can hold our heads high regardless of whether people laugh or cheer. If we look inside, we will see that the latter choice is the only ‘real’ option. We know in our hearts we were always destined for the journey that lies ahead. We were always destined to step out courageously into that brave new world. Courage does not mean we are not afraid; it means we are afraid but we do it anyway because we know we must.

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Questions for Andrew?

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Remember sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes the most important thing is simply being curious enough to ask the question.

Links

To listen to new and previous podcast episodes, click here.

For a copy of my poetry book, click here.

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Dear Andrew,

How can I deal with the fear and possible embarrassment of showing affection for someone I love? 

Love, Helen

Dear Helen,

Love is both exciting and frightening. On the one hand, there is no greater feeling than to love and to be loved. On the other hand, love makes us vulnerable and it opens us up to heartbreak. Because of this, we sometimes turn away from love. However, to hold back our affection, because we are afraid of the outcome, is to deny ourselves the opportunity to experience all the things that make this life worth living. 

There is no denying that a heart truly felt will sometimes break. Despite this, we must not let the fear of pain or embarrassment stop us from carrying on. A beautiful life is measured by the degree to which we embrace the possibility of disappointment, instead of avoiding it; it is measured by our understanding that heartbreak is simply a sign of our sincerity. 

The French philosopher Albert Camus used to say to himself, “live to the point of tears.” He believed that grief is an inevitable aspect of being human. He believed you cannot have true love, or a true life, without experiencing heartache and defeat. To be fully alive is to be open to all that life has to offer, both the good and the bad. 

When considering love, the only ‘real’ choice we have is to embrace it as much as we can, even if we eventually get hurt. A life devoid of hardship is the hardest life of all. To make our journeys worthwhile, we must risk ourselves in this difficult world. We must put ourselves on the line in the hopes that something beautiful will come out on the other side. Unless we commit to living wholeheartedly, we are destined for a life full of regret. We are destined to ask ourselves, “What if?” 

Nothing is more painful than lost opportunities. When we are old, we are going to regret more the things we did not do rather than the things we did do. We are going to regret the plans we never made and the chances we never took. We are going to regret the people and things we let slip away. Instead of letting the clock run out, we must take our shot. We must seize the drops of life falling before us. We must seize them and make something marvelous with them. Something more marvelous than we ever knew.

This does not mean that we should throw ourselves at anyone or anything that sparks our interest. Love is hard work and we need to cultivate our feelings if we want them to be reciprocated. Like the poet Rainer Rilke once said, “When you give someone flowers, you arrange them beforehand, don't you?” What Rilke meant was that we must offer our love with care; we must be attentive to how the person receiving our affections feels too.

So, how do we handle the fear of expressing love and affection for someone? The best way to cope with this fear is to realize that a life without love is no life at all. To hold back on love is to hold back on life itself. This does not mean love will be easy. It can, and eventually will, hurt. It will break us at certain points and it will demand everything we have at other points. However, no matter what has happened or will happen, we have no ‘real’ other choice but to follow our hearts. Our only ‘real’ choice is to live our lives genuinely and wholeheartedly; it is to walk with our heads held high on this both painful yet wonderfully worthwhile road called love.

Feedback

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If you enjoyed this newsletter, please remember to leave a like (there is a small heart button down below).

Questions for Andrew?

If you want to ask me something, feel free to respond to this email or any others from me, or you can also ask me via Instagram.

Remember sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes the most important thing is simply being curious enough to ask the question.

Links

To listen to new and previous podcast episodes, click here.

For a copy of my poetry book, click here.

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Dear Andrew,

I’ve held onto a person and the potential of a future with them for about three years now, and I’ve recently learned that the person isn’t holding on anymore. I feel like I’m left with a lot of empty promises and unanswered prayers, and I’m not sure where to go from here. I’m not exactly sure what my question is, but I would love to hear what you have to say about how to move forward when you feel uncertain and empty handed.

Thank you so much for your work — know that your words are impacting so many people for good.

Best, Laura

Dear Laura,

I am sorry about your situation. The ending of something is always challenging and painful. My heart goes out to you.

Moving on is hard. Often, we are reluctant to move on because we are afraid that our best days are behind us. We are afraid that what has been will be better than what is to come.

Luckily, the future that awaits us has many surprises still in store. These surprises will be incomparable to anything we have experienced, and possibly even greater. Some of these surprises will be in the form of beautiful people we never knew we needed. Or maybe they will take the shape of stars out in the distance; stars we are already headed towards.

This does not mean that moving on will not hurt. Leaving someone or something we have devoted ourselves to sometimes feels like we are losing a part of our soul; a part we thought would be ours forever. At first, we may want to avoid this pain. We may want to act like we do not care about the person or thing we are moving on from. However, avoiding heartache merely prolongs it. To move on, we must give ourselves permission to embrace whatever feelings arise. In essence, we must allow our hearts to break.

A broken heart simply means we care about the people and things we found. The only way to escape heartbreak is to avoid caring all together, and this is not a path we would wish even on our worst enemies. To not care is to deny ourselves the opportunity to feel all of the things that make this life worth living.

Moving on is also hard because we rarely know the next step. Maybe we believe a beautiful future lies ahead but we feel disoriented. If we feel lost or displaced, we first need to take a deep breath. We need to remember that not knowing is natural. No one ever knows what is next. All we do know is that we are here. We are here and we still have wonder in our hearts. Most importantly, we are still capable of love.

Moving on becomes easier when we remember one thing: we are not leaving empty handed. We might be saying goodbye to our old life, but a piece of that life will always be with us. Every experience changes us into someone we never would have been otherwise; someone who is now more capable of spotting the magic in their life.

To move on, we just have to be willing to begin again. We have to keep the fire burning in our hearts, even when we are scared. If our fire has gone out, then we must pick up the black sticks lying in the base of that fire. We must pick them up and write something new in the ashes of our lives. We must rewrite our story in the way it was meant to be told. In a way more beautiful than the world ever knew.

Feedback

Feedback helps me determine what is resonating with the community. If you enjoyed this newsletter, please remember to leave a like (there is a small heart button down below).

Questions for Andrew?

If you want to ask me something, feel free to respond to this email or any others from me, or you can also ask me via Instagram.

Remember sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes the most important thing is simply being curious enough to ask the question.

Links

To listen to new and previous podcast episodes, click here.

For a copy of my poetry book, click here.

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Dear Andrew,

First of all, I want to thank you. In your words, I feel understood and I often can change my perspective about so many thoughts and emotions I feel. In you, I find an inspiration for my soul.

The question that I’d like to ask you today is: often after I forgive, the pain persists and it does not allow me to live life to the fullest. How do you heal from the pain?

With love, Lucrezia

Dear Lucrezia,

Thank you so much for the kind message. I am happy my words are helping you and you are finding inspiration in them. As a writer, I cannot wish for anything more.

Regarding your question, in order to start the healing process, we often have to take a step back from how we used to live. We need to find a quiet place where we can redefine what living “life to the fullest” now means to us.

Just like an animal that has been wounded, when we have been hurt, we need to retreat to give ourselves time to lick our wounds. We need to go to a safe home, away from the hustle and bustle, where we can assess our injuries. This retreat is not a permanent destination; it is simply a means to rehabilitate ourselves. By taking refugee, whether it be alone or with a select few, we allow ourselves time to come back to the world, when we are ready, in a more genuine way. We are permitting ourselves to rediscover who we are and to reimagine how we want our new life to look, sound and feel.

Sometimes, the first step towards healing looks like a hibernation on the outside. It may look like we are slowing down, almost to a stop, and breaking away from the active life we have grown accustomed to. To an observer, it may appear that we are becoming isolated, but on the contrary, we are merely re-centering ourselves. We are finding a footing on the ground that can better support us. We are stepping aside from the busy road so we can draw better blueprints for the journey we are destined to embark on.

Pain lasts longer than it should when we are determined to keep walking, despite the brokenness we feel underneath. Just like physical injury, an injury to the heart or soul also requires downtime to heal. Our pain becomes magnified when we refuse to pump the brakes. Most especially, pain can feel endless when we hold on too tightly to the way our lives used to be, or when we become overly attached to the road we have been traveling on. When we do these things, our wounds stay open and they become susceptible to further injury.

Healing can be challenging because the temptations of life do not stop. It is enticing to pile on more things at work or to attend every party and dinner we are invited to when we are grieving. It is alluring because, like a pain killer, these things can mask the heartbreak and anguish we are feeling inside. They can make us forget, at least for a short while, the problems we are struggling with.

Instead of filling our schedules to the brim, we need to give ourselves time to find a new home. We need to listen to the voice inside of us that is begging to be heard. We need to put an end to the same old story we have been reading and to rewrite it in a different way; in a way that is more fitting to where we are now.

Therefore, just like physical pain, damage on the inside requires careful attention to heal. Often, this means we must pull back, at least for a short while, from how we used to live. We must pull back so we can rejuvenate ourselves and build up our strength to come back stronger. By doing this, we give ourselves the opportunity to find a new life; a life we recognize as our own and one that we want to be full participants in again.

Questions for Andrew?

If you want to ask me something, feel free to respond to this email or any others from me, or you can also ask me via Instagram.

Remember sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes the most important thing is simply being curious enough to ask the question.

Podcast

Last week, I released a new podcast episode, titled Finding Hope.

To listen to the episode, click here.

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Dear Andrew,

How do we cope with death? I fear losing the people I love the most and I am afraid of losing them 'prematurely', too soon. How do we make the most of the time we have left? 

Thank you, 

Dafni 

Dear Dafni,

Death is always in the back of our minds. We are constantly reminded of death when watching the news or when crossing the street. It is an ever present aspect of life. 

Most of us try to avoid thinking about death because it makes us uncomfortable and scared, and rightly so. Death is the antithesis to everyone and everything we love. We have no idea what is on the other side and this haunts us to our core.

Eliminating the fear of death might be impossible. Every human is afraid of death whether they want to admit it or not. The only way to truly comfort ourselves is to befriend this fear in a reluctant kind of way. It is to walk on the ground upon which this fear is being born, even if our legs do not feel like they can support us. It is to find a voice that is both inside and outside of us that can soothe our worries while never lying to us about the pain we will one day experience. 

To cope with death, we must pass through the door of both pain and beauty simultaneously. We must imagine the day we will have to let go while also remembering we do not have to yet; we do not have to because we still have time. We still have time to smile and laugh with the people we love. 

When we remind ourselves of life’s finality, the beauty that is still around us becomes impossible not to notice. We start to not take for granted the phone calls with our parents and the dinners with our friends. We begin appreciating everyone and everything while we still have them. 

In some sense, the best way to cope with death is to embrace it in this seemingly odd way. By shaking hands with this fearful presence, we naturally become more attentive and generous to the ones we love. Almost like a reflex, we realize that every time we see someone that is one less time we will see them. This makes every moment and exchange with them that much more precious. 

Finally, there is one thing that can escape death’s gravitational pull. The only thing that is not subject to death is love. When our ashes have settled, the love we created will live on. It will live on in the generosity we showed, and in the lessons and wisdom we bestowed. It will live on in the people who learned to smile and love like us. If you witness a parent next to their child, you will see what I am talking about. You will see bits and pieces of the past shining through the future. 

In light of this, there is only one ‘real’ choice when it comes to death. The only choice we have is to make friends with it while never forgetting the devastating blow it will strike upon our hearts one day. We must stand atop this ground, even if it rattles the deepest parts of us. We must shake hands with the fact that eventually we will have to let go of everyone and everything we love. By doing this, the deepest parts of our hearts will naturally open. Our hearts will open as we cherish every drop of life we have left. Our hearts will open wider than we ever knew possible, and if we are lucky, which I believe we are, our love will open the hearts of others too.

Questions for Andrew?

If you want to ask me something, feel free to respond to this email or any others from me, or you can also ask me via Instagram.

Remember sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes the most important thing is simply being curious enough to ask the question.

Links

To listen to previous podcast episodes, click here.

For a copy of my poetry book, click here.

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Dear Andrew,

I'd love to hear what you have to say about hope. Hope for the future of the world, hope for good, hope for humanity, or just hope for ourselves as individuals. I know that is a very packed topic that could be elaborated on forever, but I feel your words would hit just right for many people. 

So, Andrew, my question to you is, “How can hope help us as individuals and the world around us?”

Take care, Anna

Dear Anna,

Hope is a beautiful thing. Often, hope turns the engines inside of us on; the engines that may have otherwise stayed dormant. When we are feeling down or discouraged, hope ensures that these engines keep running.

However, when talking about hope, we must also be careful. Sometimes we use hope as a means to over-describe the future for ourselves and the world around us. We hope that our children will become doctors or lawyers. We hope that we will become high-powered executives at the companies we work at. We hope that a certain politician will be elected. We hope for these things because we are convinced this is the ‘right’ path for us and the people we love, even though we have no idea where our paths are actually going.

The future cannot be described in a few hopeful sentences. The future is forever unknown and it will undoubtedly surprise us. The future will lead us to places we never knew were even places.

The great discipline of hope is being comfortable with the serendipity of life. It is to be at peace with the reality that we will never know what is next. It is to know in our hearts that our lives and the lives of those we love will work out, usually in unexpected ways.

This does not mean that having goals or ambitions is not important. Goals and ambitions give us the motivation to begin our journeys. They give us the confidence to make our futures better and to turn our world into everything we dreamed it could be. The key is to understand that these hopeful milestones are simply guides that can and will change; they will change depending on the seasonality of our lives.

Instilling this kind of hope in ourselves and in the people around us is incredibly helpful. It allows us to come to terms with the way our lives already are and to appreciate what we have while we have it. It brings a sense of peace to the mind by putting to rest our unnecessary worries. Finally, like a close friend, hope places its hand on our shoulders and reminds us that everything will be okay.

In light of this, we do not have to do much in order to reap the benefits of hope. If anything, we have to do a little less than we otherwise would think. Hope helps keep the fires burning inside of us and it gives us the courage to believe that we are larger than the things that scare us. However, we must not over-describe our hopes because the future has many unexpected things in store for us. It will show us people and places more beautiful than we can ever imagine. Our only job is to find peace in not knowing; it is to stand confidently at the crossroad between what we think our lives will be and the eternal unknown.

Questions for Andrew?

If you want to ask me something, feel free to respond to this email or any others from me, or you can also ask me via Instagram.

Remember sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes the most important thing is simply being curious enough to ask the question.

Links

To listen to previous podcast episodes, click here.

For a copy of my poetry book, click here.

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Dear Andrew,

I just read your recent newsletter, “How do you forgive someone?” You gave an awesome response, but now I am wondering, how do you forgive yourself?

- Matei

Dear Matei,

Much like forgiving someone else, forgiving ourselves requires us to step into a larger identity than the one we are currently in. It requires us to admit our wrongdoings and commit to becoming someone better than we were before.

Forgiving ourselves can be scary because our former identities, the ones we held onto for so long, usually never survive. To forgive effectively, we have to admit that we are no longer the people we once were, nor do we want to be them anymore. We must realize that these former selves are simply a shadow of the people we are meant to be and the only thing left of them are ashes. 

We must look at these ashes left behind and make something new from them; an identity that is larger and more honest than the one we previously had. Stepping into this new identity can sometimes be lonely. Sometimes the people we wronged are not ready to forgive us and other times the people we once surrounded ourselves with do not understand. 

Regardless, we must move on. We must walk this new road whether we are alone or with others. We cannot live in the shadows of what we ‘think’ could have been, even when others think otherwise. If something else was meant to be, it would have been but it did not unfold that way. We must accept that today was meant to happen and that our only ‘real’ choice is to carry on. 

To move forward, we need to take that first courageous step, not in front of us but inside of us. That courageous step towards becoming the more compassionate person we know we are meant to be. The person who is not only compassionate to others but also to themselves. 

To forgive oneself is like stepping into a portal that at first looks like an entrance to another world, but that in reality is the first step home. It is to stop telling ourselves the story of how things should have been and to start writing the story of how things will be from now on. 

The act of self-forgiveness is not passive. It is something we must put effort into every day. It requires that we accept our past as we step forward onto a new, evolving frontier. A frontier that will guide us into becoming someone bigger and more genuine than we were before. Someone who, in their hearts, hopes to never make the same mistakes again.

Questions for Andrew?

If you want to ask me something, feel free to respond to this email or any others from me, or you can also ask me via Instagram.

If your question is not selected or answered, please do not feel discouraged. This does not mean your question is not beautiful or worthy. I try to choose questions that I have personal experience in and that I feel I can honestly answer. Unfortunately, I do not have an answer to every question I receive. I am still learning and the answers I write are simply some of the most important lessons I have learned so far. Through this newsletter, my goal is to keep learning and to share with you what I find. I hope you come along with me on this journey because I ‘know’ it is going to be a good one.

Finally, remember sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes the most important thing is simply being curious enough to ask the question.

Update

I uploaded a new IGTV video where I narrate my recent letter: How to Love Yourself.

To watch the video, click here.

Links

To listen to previous podcast episodes, click here.

For a copy of my poetry book, click here.

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Dear Andrew,

What is the best way to find a real friend?

- Bob

Dear Bob,

Finding a real friend is rare and it often happens serendipitously. The best way to find a real friend is to learn what you are looking for first.

A real friend does not change you. They see you for everything you are and for everything you can be. They allow you to become more yourself by helping you explore areas that may have been dormant inside of you. Most especially, they see through your shortcomings and vulnerabilities and they embolden the best parts of you, even when you cannot see these parts yourself.

A real friend is able to bring out the best in you because they know you at a fundamental level. They know your triumphs as well as your failures. They know when you shine and they know when you darken. Instead of condemning your vices, they encourage the light that is already flickering within. They inspire this light to become more generous and brighter than it ever was before.

Another touchstone of friendship is that it will leave a beautiful and everlasting mark. A real friend will help you grow into someone you never would have been otherwise; someone who now thinks and acts differently. A part of your friend will become a part of you and you will do the same to them.

Just like any relationship, friendships will also be tested. Sometimes things will be said that will leave one friend feeling hurt. However, if the friendship is real, forgiveness will always be found. It is impossible to call someone a friend and not to have missteps with them along the way. When these missteps happen, you may not forgive each other at first, but eventually you will. Real friends understand one another and, in their hearts, they know that the other’s missteps do not define them.

So, how do you find a real friend? Finding a real friend is hard, it might even be just as hard as finding love. The first step is to know what a real friend is and then to be that person yourself. People who are similar to one another often attract each other. Therefore, go out into the world and see people for who they really are. Encourage their lights to shine brighter than ever before. Finally, more than anything, show people that a real friend is not defined by someone who makes them better necessarily; show them that a real friend is sometimes just someone who stands next to them and reminds them that they are not alone.

Questions for Andrew?

If you want to ask me something, feel free to respond to this email or any others from me, or you can also ask me via Instagram.

If your question is not selected or answered, please do not feel discouraged. This does not mean your question is not beautiful or worthy. I try to choose questions that I have personal experience in and that I feel I can honestly answer. Unfortunately, I do not have an answer to every question I receive. I am still learning and the answers I write are simply some of the most important lessons I have learned so far. Through this newsletter, my goal is to keep learning and to share with you what I find. I hope you come along with me on this journey because I ‘know’ it is going to be a good one.

Finally, remember sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes the most important thing is simply being curious enough to ask the question.

Links

To listen to previous podcast episodes, click here.

For a copy of my poetry book, click here.

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Dear Andrew,

Do you believe that true love fights for what it has? Or do you believe that sometimes true love lets go?

- Daniela

Dear Daniela,

Defining true love is hard. What is worthy of being called true love does not want to be defined by a single thing. In a way, love is both everything and nothing.

Love is like a marriage between two seemingly opposite acts: letting go and holding on. When we are truly in love, we want to hold on with everything we have. We want to put our arms around our love and never let go. 

Great pain and heartache occurs when we have to let go. At first, a person in love may not even believe that letting go is possible for them. They may have constructed an elaborate life in their head and it may feel like that life is coming tumbling down. Knowing you might be writing the last chapter of a particular story can seem earth-shattering and a person may try everything they can to avoid this reality.

However, to truly love someone or something, we must let go of any preconceived notions we have for them. We must give them the space to live and grow. Deep down, we want this; we want our love to turn into the beautiful flower we know it is meant to blossom into. Sometimes this means we need to nurture and care for this budding flower more or fight for it when it is in danger. Other times this means we need to let someone else take the lead and care for it. To love is to accept either scenario and to let go of the belief that things have to be a certain way.

Just like us, love is constantly changing. Whether it is a person or a career, we cannot force who or what we love into the image we think they are or what we want them to be. Love does not fit within a predetermined plan, no matter how beautiful and wonderful that plan is. Love has a life of its own and it is going to evolve whether we want it to or not. 

The best kind of love will lead us to places we never knew we wanted to go. To a horizon we never knew was there. Sometimes the person or thing that originally pointed us in that direction will leave our side. Maybe they are destined for a different yet equally beautiful place. This does not mean that our love with them is not real. 

Things do not need to last forever to be real. You and I are real. We exist but we are not going to exist forever. Our story will end one day and someone else’s story will begin. Nonetheless, this does not mean we are not real. If anything, this means we are more real. It means that, despite it all, we have decided to live and love because we know we have no ‘real’ other choice. 

So, does true love fight for what it has or is it willing to let go? There is no easy answer to this question. Like most things, the answer is not this or that; instead, it lies somewhere in the middle. Love wants the other person or thing to become everything they are meant to be. Sometimes this means we need to fight for what we have to protect it. Other times, this means we need to let go of the very person or thing we want to hold forever. In both situations, the love is true. Some might even say it is truer than true.

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Dear Andrew,

How do we forgive someone that hurt us?

Best wishes, Leslie

Dear Leslie,

Forgiveness is hard because it requires us to come closer to our wounds. Like a scar, the part of us that was hurt may never go away and, to forgive and heal, we need to reimagine our relationship with the pain we are left with. We need to give ourselves permission to feel the pain fully in order to understand it in a different way; in a way we can honestly move forward with.

In essence, forgiveness requires that we create a larger and more generous identity than the one that was hurt. It needs us to become someone who can hold the person who is crying inside of us. Once we become this larger and more mature person, we must extend that same generosity now inside us to the person who gave us the wound in the first place. We must do this, not necessarily for them, but for us.

Whenever I am having trouble forgiving someone, I like to remember that I am doing it for myself too. I am doing it to give myself clarity and to allow myself to create something new from the ashes of my life.

If you are wondering how you can forgive, then you probably want to and you are just looking for a reason. You want to because you know in your heart that the burden of anger or hatred is too much to bear. You know that holding onto these negative feelings does you no good.

So, in light of this, just remember that forgiveness is not about forgetting your pain. It is about forming a new, more intimate relationship with your wound. It is about becoming a larger and more compassionate person than you were before. It is about this new person holding the part of you that is hurt inside. And it is about opening your arms to the person who hurt you, not necessarily for them, but for yourself.

Questions for Andrew?

If you want to ask me something, feel free to respond to this email or any others from me, or you can also ask me via Instagram.

Links

To listen to my latest podcast episode, click here.

For a copy of my poetry book, click here.

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This is a new series, called Dear Andrew, where you can ask me questions and I will share my responses to some of them.

If you like this series or want to ask me questions, let me know in the comments or feel free to respond to this email. You can also send me a message on Instagram.

As for this week’s newsletter, I asked if you had any questions on my Instagram Story last week. Here are a few that spoke to me and that I want to share with you. I hope you enjoy.

Please note:

The responses below are some of the most important lessons I think I have learned, but that does not mean you need to agree with them wholeheartedly. We are all at various points in our lives and, depending on where we are, the answers we are looking for or need might be very different. So please, use my advice and thoughts as a starting point; use them as a base to form your own opinion and answers to these questions. Finally, remember sometimes there is no right answer and the most important thing is simply being curious enough to ask the question.

Question One

“Dear Andrew,

How do you learn to love yourself more?”

- Emma

Dear Emma,

In my opinion, the first step to any form of love is acceptance. For self-love, this means we must learn to accept ourselves. We must realize we will always be us, no matter what we change. 

When I was younger, there were a lot of things I wanted to ‘fix’ about myself. For example, I wanted to be taller, smarter, better looking, the list went on and on. But after awhile, I realized a lot of the things I wanted to change were unchangeable; I realized that these are the cards I have been dealt and they will always be my cards. 

Once I accepted who I was, I started enjoying my life much more. I noticed that when I would take time for myself to just relax I was less in my head. For example, when I would go outside I started to really pay attention to the way the sun shined and how the rain fell, both I realized are beautiful. In turn, this made my ‘me-time’ that much more enjoyable, not because I was thinking about myself during this time but because I was able to focus on things other than myself, which is one of the most rejuvenating and nourishing things we can do for ourselves.

True love grows when we are able to do this; it grows when we are able to pay attention to the beauty of the people and things around us instead of being fixated on who we are and who we are not. Being able to do this first requires self-acceptance; the realization that this is our life and it will always be our life. Because once we accept ourselves and the situations we have been dealt, there is no ‘real’ other choice but to love everything, including ourselves.

As a final point, I also want to remind whoever is reading this that acceptance does not imply complacency. It does not mean we have to or that we should accept things staying the same. Real love is when we are able to accept ourselves or others while also making the best parts of us even better.

Question 2

“Dear Andrew,

How can we be there in the present? How can we not take this moment for granted?”

- Elena

Dear Elena,

Being present is a muscle and, like any muscle, it is something we must train and nurture. The first step in training is to realize when you are not being present, it is to catch yourself being lost in thought. A great way to practice this is through mindfulness meditation.

For example, when someone first starts mindfulness meditation, one of the first things they are told to do is close their eyes and pay attention to their breath. At first, this sounds easy, but if you have ever tried to follow your breath while meditating, you know it is incredibly challenging. It is challenging because thoughts will constantly be coming into your head while you try to meditate; sometimes you will start thinking about the tasks you have to do that day or other random things will capture your attention and this will distract you from your breath. In its most basic form, mindfulness meditation is simply noticing when you get distracted and then coming back to the present moment by following your breath again. Over time, the more you catch yourself, the easier the practice becomes and the easier it is to follow your breath.

The same principles apply in living your life and being present in the moment. The present moment is just like your breath. Thoughts will come into your head throughout the day and, to be more present, all you have to do is notice when you are getting distracted. You will likely never get to a point where you will never be distracted, but the more you catch yourself, the easier coming back to the present will be. Eventually, it will become a reflex, like waking up from a dream. You will also find yourself staying in the present moment more, just like a long distance runner is able to run farther the more they practice.

Question 3

“Dear Andrew,

How can I be more motivated and consistent?

- Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Motivation is not very useful on its own. It is one thing to be motivated and it is another thing to have something to be motivated about.

If we look at the definition of the word motivation, it means “to induce or incentivize someone to act.” There is nothing inherently wrong with incentives. As a whole, society needs incentives to help us prioritize what is most important. For instance, renewable energy incentives are a great example. They encourage us to buy alternative products that are better for the environment. However, incentives can only do so much. They do not inform us where we should focus our incentives in the first place.

The same is true for motivation. It is one thing to be motivated to wake up early to write a book, and it is another thing to know what to write about. To know what to write and make, we must look for something else; we must look for inspiration. While motivation can get our engines going when they may have otherwise stayed dormant, inspiration is what tells our engines where to go.

However, inspiration is not something to wait around for. Inspiration comes after we start trying. It comes from the realization that it is okay to make mistakes because no one will read our first drafts. Our first drafts are for us and us alone. Once we get in the rhythm of going, we will start to discover where we want to go.

In light of this, motivation and inspiration are two sides of the same coin. We cannot have a complete picture without the other. If we forget one of these sides, we will end up in an abyss. For instance, take the ambitious investment banker who has forgotten their reason why, or imagine the next DaVinci laying in bed struggling to get up.

Therefore, to be motivated, we must find inspiration and vice versa. The first step to finding them is to treat whatever we want to do like a job. If we are a writer, this means we should set aside a specific time each day to sit down at our keyboard and just type. If we are a painter, this means we should do the same with our canvas and brushes. We should do these things even when we do not want to, or when we feel like we have nothing to say.

If we get out all our bad drafts, a good draft has to follow; it is simple math. And when we look at this draft, we will realize the potential we had all along. We will realize we can create beautiful things too, just like the people that came before us.

Once we see our potential, I have a feeling we will be motivated to wake up early and do it again the next day. I have a feeling we will keep waking up and eventually we will make something better than we ever hoped for. Something we never imagined could come true. Something more beautiful than the universe ever knew.

Questions for Dear Andrew?

If you want to ask me something, feel free to respond to this email or any others from me, or you can also ask me via Instagram.

Links

To listen to my latest podcast episode, click here.

For a copy of my poetry book, click here.

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